of first and seconds

This is the end of my annual leave. People asked me what I have been doing in the past five weeks. And so, I began to look back on what is it that I have been doing.

Today, I blogged not from home. I am currently in Sydney and I am sitting in the bays of Darling Harbor. At the start of the leave, I wanted to travel to see different cultures, maybe interstates, somewhere not too far away because I don't actually like travelling. But what I do enjoy is pondering on people and life. And for the past five weeks, none of that happened until tonight.

Sydney is not a very foreign place to me anymore. I like walking around the city (hate the drive thoug). I expected this to be a time spent with my mother while she is visiting her children in Australia. But tonight I had a nudge to take time off everything familiar and visit a place I like to visit: Darling Harbour. Alone.

And yes I spent time pondering on cultures and life. I had a few thoughts brewing but I came upon a series of boards commemorating the upcoming ANZAC. One quote struck the most.

"Everyone remarked upon the great send off and said it was worth enlisting for."

At the end of five weeks, my colleagues will expect me to have photos and stories of my travels from afar, and I don't. The furthest I have been is to good ol' boring Sydney. But honestly, in overall, I have no sense of regrets of how I spent my leave. I have rejoiced with the angels when the few souls were saved during camp, and how our rejoicing still echoes very clearly in my mind. I have taken time to just sit and observe and ponder about cultures. I have broaden my knowledge and perspective on ministries, seeing creativity in another light. I have spoken to people about things of importance such as discipleship, pastoral care and the fight for justice, and plan projects around them. I have made new friendships and strengthened old ones.

Really, I have invested into eternity, and there is no regret in that. My principle is still, "But seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you." - Matthew 6:33

If I would to restart my annual leave, what would be different? Nothing I can think of. I could not have spent my annual leave any better I reckon.

of love enough

In CrossCulture Easter Camp, a tradition that we have had for a long time is "Itchy and Scratchy" - yes, inspired by the infamous show-within-a-show in The Simpsons! However, this "Itchy and Scratchy" is actually our form of "Angels and Mortals", where one person in camp takes care of another person throughout the camp. Basically, one person's back is itchy, so there is a "Scratchy" who is scratching that itch throughout the camp!

Camp has not yet started, but I think "Itchy and Scratchy" came early this year, because yesterday, I received random encouraging notes (and then even one gift) from people in church. Some came up to me and verbally encouraged me as well.. I felt very thankful!

You know who you are! And I thank each of you! :)

Then, the past-midnight melancholic Andrew began to ponder on ministries..

When I first entered a ministry, I was an extremely task-oriented person, finding comfort in front of a computer, or doing crafts somewhere in the back room away from the crowds and stage. I felt most comfortable when people know my art and not the artist. However, as the years went by, I realized that tasks are not the end-point of ministry. Tasks are the mediums, the driver, the vehicle. People are the target. Every ministry should be targeted to the people. I realized that even when doing tasks, it is important to keep the target audience in our minds. The Kingdom is made up of people, and people should matter.

I constantly thank God for this increasing realization. This has changed my perspective on ministry, and thus, how I minister or run a ministry. And I have grown to love these people, this church, and this community. Because I have learnt that Christ loved these people too - love enough to hang on that cross in suffering, so that we can be reconciled to Him.

How much is enough love? How much love does it take for one to show that love to another? And in what way?

I think if something matters to us, it is befitting for us to act. (If we care about that itch, it is befitting to scratch it!) And I am thankful that I felt a glimpse of God's love yesterday through these words of encouragement and gift from the church. There are itches all around in the church and the community. The question is whether we care or love enough to do something about them.

May we ever be empowered by His grace and His Spirit to accomplish what we ought to do in this world well :)

4 more days to camp, and this is MAX-power-mode on!

:)

Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into Him who is the Head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.

- Ephesians 4:15-16

of opposites

Blessed are the poor in spirit.

Blessed are those who mourn.

Blessed are the meek.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness.

Blessed are the merciful.

Blessed are the pure in heart.

Blessed are the peacemakers.

Blessed are those are persecuted for righteousness' sake.

Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you, and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account.

For theirs shall be the Kingdom of Heaven.

For they shall be comforted.

For they shall inherit the earth.

For they shall be satisfied.

For they shall receive mercy.

For they shall see God.

For they shall be called sons of God.

For theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.

Rejoice and be glad, for Your reward is great in Heaven.

Cause

Effect

They may not make sense.

But this is the Kingdom's principles.

And who's to say what is right in this world?

We are proud and arrogant creatures who assume things.

We are right until we are proven otherwise.

Blessed are those who were proven otherwise.

Blessed are those whose knees have fallen.

Blessed are those who have been made speechless.

For this is the start of an overtaking.

of a pursuit

We went into a topic of conversation of my interest and passion.
Strangely enough, it's about passion.

What causes a person to devote his/her life to something? What was their state of mind when they took that first step? What risks do they take? What leads them to believe with their heart that it was the right thing to do?

"Delusion" is the psychiatric word for an unshakable belief that one holds, that is out of the norm or that is not according to what most of a particular population believes in (and is, thus, incorrect). Some ideas, unfortunately (or not), found its roots with a "delusion" - the spherical earth, for example. So, I'm actually quite open-minded to see how a few delusions actually run in a person's life. Anyway, that shall be a start of another musing.

I brought up the point of "delusion", mainly because I could not fathom how someone delusional could have so much conviction and passion about one particular thing or event. He is a one-trick pony that refuses to budge, despite what everyone else says. How does the conviction and passion even begin to form?

In delusion, it seems to start with some kind of knowledge, albeit fact or fiction. The knowledge is so true to them, that it may even seem nothing else is true - this one thing above all others... ...nothing else, really. Deluded patients disobey the rules of society to accomplish what they know to be true. They deliberately placed themselves in situations where their lives will be risked. They yield to nothing.

Sometimes, I wish the church, including myself, would have such conviction regarding Christ. With knowledge secured and certain of who Jesus is, we would strive to know the only one thing that matters. Then, a pursuit, not just of the heart, but also of the hands and feet, along with the minds. I do wish the church would burn with a new revival, awakened to a new and rude awakening, for God's Namesake. Then, the comfort shall be disturbed, and the disturbed shall be comforted.

One pastor stated in the past, that people of passion do ridiculous things for God. Questions are raised. Discussions are sparked. Cultures are changed. Lives are affected for the Kingdom's glory. And I am convinced, that by the empowerment of the Holy Spirit, and the knowledge and revelation of overwhelming grace, the church could very well achieve it.

And the great thing is that hundreds of millions of people have actually confessed of their experiences with Christ all over the world. Thus, I'm convinced that this is no delusion. And if this is not a delusion, maybe this shall be the greatest pursuit of our lives.

As a fire consumes the fuel, may we be caught by His flame.

of a psalm

Oh my soul, know the Lord,

He is the Lifter of your head,

The satisfaction you require,

The Lord is enough,

What shall you want?

The Lord is your banner,

Raise Him high

And rest under Him.

Strong is the Lord in battle,

He is the Victor,

Who is glorious like Him?

Selah

He who reigns on high

Searches the face of the earth,

And looks into the hidden hearts;

Who can escape the Lord?

If I make my bed in Sheol,

You are there!

Selah

So, search me, O God;

No offering I bring

But that of a contrite heart,

For this pleases the Lord.
His steadfast love endures,

There is none like the Lord.

He will gladden the heart

Who seeks after Him;

There is no lack in Him,

Taste and know He is good!

Oh my soul, know the Lord,

He shall lift your head,

He shall satisfy,

He is Your reward,

And you shall want no more.

Search me

of my boasting

I've not been sleeping tonight, (no) thanks to the night shift period that I'm currently in. But at least I settled a lot of things that had been left procrastinated... And maybe because it's been a long time since I had a good jam - not those for bread, mind you - but those with music and singing and praying, I'm feeling quite pumped for this coming Thursday. I have been seeing a day when the church comes together to do nothing but earnestly admire God and seek Him, laying everything aside, as though for that few hours, nothing else matters...

With that said, I truly hate that I cannot play an instrument. I've tried and failed. But I do thank God that I could sing. I shared testimony of how I was tone-deaf in the past, and growing up, I had no musical background, which is still one of my life's unfixable regrets. I recalled not understanding the concept of harmony and embarrassed myself in front of my classmates when I stopped a group of us singing together because someone sang a different tune from the melody.

And neither was I an eloquent speaker - not that I'm currently one with the gift of the gab anyway. I remembered another embarrassing moment in primary school when we were asked to present a project in front of the assembly, and I had to repeatedly turn around to my group mates to ask them regarding the pronunciations of certain words. Yes, I was that kid who delayed the assembly because I could not pronounce "meter... metor.... merotite.... meteorite". Such vivid memory cannot be erased from one's mind easily...

Needless to say, however, God works all things (even my most embarrassing moments) for the good of those who loves Him. I'm continually amazed at every opportunity I'm given to lead the singing on Sunday service, cell groups and other sessions. I'm amazed at how God constantly uses my weaknesses to make me aware of how able He actually is.

Just past Sunday, I am very thankful for the encouragement given to me by two strangers. Though I was not leading that Sunday, these two sisters in Christ made me realize that God is using me every time I am serving on stage for His glory - that I'm not on stage for an act, nor for a performance, but to be genuinely vulnerable before a Holy God, and to show the world why I actually worship Him. For they spoke of how love should not be hidden under a basket, but that it should shine brightly on the stand... As God has become my inspiration, so had that moment been an inspiration to them. I'm grateful for them and their encouragement.

But, really, I'm not deserving of these glory at all.
When I say, "Glory be to God," for the reasons mentioned above, those words truly mean what it says, for God is too good for me to steal any of these from Him.

Your Word is a Light unto my feet, a Lamp unto my path.

On behalf of this man I will boast, but on my own behalf I will not boast, except of my weaknesses— though if I should wish to boast, I would not be a fool, for I would be speaking the truth; but I refrain from it, so that no one may think more of me than he sees in me or hears from me. So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. - 2 Corinthians 12:5-10

of my goodness

I met a lady in outpatients clinic this past week. She was there to have her regular check up. Before she came into the room, flipping her folder, I noted that she has missed several appointments, did not go for her diagnostic tests that we have arranged, and have not been taking her regular medications. "This does not seem like a good start to the day," I thought.

I called her from the waiting room. Stood an old lady from the chair, well-dressed, smiling, and I cannot help but notice her necklace with a big golden cross. She greeted me, and sat down in the room. And after introducing myself, I asked how she was, and she replied that she was going well. And because of how tight time is in these clinics, the interview quickly turns into an interrogation.

"Why was it that you have missed a few appointments?" I asked, maybe with the slightest of concerns.
"I had some urgent things to settle," she replied.

"Why have you not gone for the diagnostics studies?" I asked next.
"I did not receive any appointments," she replied.
Cue: rolling eyes... (...but I did not, you'll be pleased to know. I knew better.)

"Why have you not taken the medications?" I persisted.
"I did not like using the medications."
"Do you know why you have to take these medications?" I inquired.
"The previous doctor explained it to me," she replied. "But I forgot."
I took the time to explain why she requires this medication.

"I'm sorry, Doctor." She interrupted my explanation, with slight distress in her face, "I'm not very focused today. My husband has just passed away recently."

I was struck... Here I was interrogating an old lady, when she clearly has issues of her own that I was indifferent to. Because of time limits, I usually had to rush through my questions and my agenda. And clearly, she has a different agenda.

We began talking about her husband's death first, and she began to share with me how she has been going strong with the help from her church. I had to take a different route, take more time with the consultation to lend a listening ear, before I could tell her what I needed to say. But at the end of the appointment, she was appreciative, thanking me, and even telling the receptionist how good I was to her.

Now, this incident got me thinking.

Just as how the lady has fallen short of the standards of our care, we as humans have also fallen short of the glory of God. We are imperfect people, paying a visit to the Healer who is trying His best to heal us, and yet, we still fall short of His directions. But by His grace, we get invited over and over again to seek Him and His help.

I began thinking of how - really - undeserving I am of His grace and mercy over me.
I was lost, yet He found me.
I was blind, yet He gave me sight.
I was useless, yet He gave me gifts.
I was a rebel, yet He took my hand and lead me.
I was a sinner, yet He died for me.
I was bad, yet He gave me His goodness.

His goodness.

It seems that many times, we try to be good. We try our best by our own strength to meet the standards of God, when really, we cannot. We cannot try to change ourselves, because we are inherently sinners, self-centered, self-glorifying, self-caring. We have our own agendas because this is our own lives, our own time.

But maybe, we need to learn about "goodness" from One who alone is good. Maybe, we need to continue to know and understand - and be overwhelmed - by the goodness of God. Maybe we need to pursue in this knowledge and not be comfortable where we are. Because maybe, there are more that we are to know about Him.

Then, and only then, maybe we can tirelessly and relentlessly be good to others around us - when we understand that we are here not because we deserve it, but solely because of the goodness of God.

"For I was sick, and you visited Me."

It's not by my works

But by Your Work in me.

And by Your grace oh God I stand

With my head held high

I receive Your love for me

I know I am accepted

- "I Receive" by Hillsong London / Israel Houghton

of a box

Yet another great weekend over. There are many things I could have talked about, but one thing stands out the most, because I learnt that God is really greater than my doubts.

It has been a while since an idea has been floating in my mind to start a service differently. I have been serving as a music leader (or "worship leader" as most churches call us) for a couple of years in CrossCulture. The opening of our services (as with many other churches) is usually lined with three or four songs of praise. Well, today, I wanted to break that monotonous pattern of how we do things.

Ecclesiastes says, "Guard your steps when you go to the house of God. To draw near to listen is better than to offer the sacrifice of fools, for they do not know that they are doing evil. Be not rash with your mouth, nor let your heart be hasty to utter a word before God, for God is in heaven and you are on earth. Therefore let your words be few."

When we come to sing our songs to God, do we really mean what we sing? Do we really mean the lyrics, "I give You my heart / I give You my soul / I live for You alone" or "I have decided to follow Jesus / No turning back / No turning back," or "I could sing of Your love forever"? These are beautiful words, but if we sing without thoughts or sincerity, they are just empty words bouncing off the walls and ceiling of the auditorium.

With this in mind, I began planning the service. I planned that the service should start with Scripture - there is no better way than that, I reckon. And it was followed by a song of reflection / prayer, followed by a song of response.

Then, doubts.

"Is this too radical a change?"
"What will the church think about this plan?"
"Will the church respond to this type of opening?"

But I thank God for my band members who are ready to support this vision. Although it is our first time doing such an opening, they were on board. The singers read Scripture on stage for the first time. The musicians are stretched to accommodate spontaneity. Truly, I am not gifted in music - I can sing only by the grace of God (that's another story I might tell another day), but I thank God for the talents within my band. I truly love these people.

And after the service today, I have received various encouragements from many different types of people, really. From the young to the old, from the new visitors to the current members, I was amazed at how well people respond to this plan.

So, really, God is greater than my doubts.

As much as we are comfortable with tradition and routine, I am a big believer in becoming the driver for cultural change, whether within the church community or outside it. God is not too small that He needs a box to stay in. Instead, our minds need to be stimulated, to think outside of this box that perhaps contain only a small part of God, and we need to hunger and thirst to know and pursue more of Him. Because the danger is that we become stale when we become satisfied and comfortable with our little box.

Needless to say, I want to pursue greater creativity this year, to speak the Gospel in various other methods. I want to become adventurous with art and music, and work, and life. I want to be the culture-changer - by His wisdom, by His grace.

And I know that the church is built by Christ. And I believe that He shall continue to do a great work in our midst.

Love love love the church... ;)

of waiting

Good things in life comes to those who wait, they say.
Like waiting in the long queue for the toilet. Must have felt good to finally wee...

But on the serious note, there is power in the patience of a person.

"But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles;
They shall run and not be weary;
They shall walk and not faint."
Said Isaiah.

In a consumer culture, it is easy to grow inpatient. We get goods bought online delivered fast to our doorsteps. Fast food becomes a popular lunch option. Speeding is increasingly becoming an issue. We want to get from Point A to Point B quickly. We want to have things quickly. We want. Period.

When the webpage does not load quickly, we tap our fingers on the table, wiggle in our chair, and pace up and down the corridor (if the connection is that slow). When the lift is not coming, we press the button a hundred more times, as though the lift will arrive any faster. And when we are running late, we zigzag our way down the freeway, just to arrive one or two minutes earlier.

The point? Our impatience shows in our behaviour. We become dangerous creatures who shows our egoistical personality. We lose sight of what is really important because our focus is now off centre, on that one thing that is actually fading away. Our priority is ourselves - nothing else really matters.

"But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength," said Isaiah.

Waiting builds your character. Waiting shows your character.
So, let's build this character and show 'em to whom I really belong.

of time and time again

My plan for my day off:

0000: Administrative tasks for ministry

0200: Sleep

0800: Wake up

0900: Do stuff

0000: Sleep

But this was how it turned out:

0000: Administrative tasks for ministry

0200: Sleep

0800: Wakes up

0900: Repairs light bulbs

1000: More administrative tasks for ministry

1200: Drive back Melbourne

1400: Meeting to discuss friend's concert

1500: Look at books

1600: Cut hair

1700: Take tripod from Melbourne home

1730: Drone sighting and discussion (and it's awesome!)

1830: Nap

1900: Asian grocery shopping 

1945: Costco for dinner and shopping with best friend

2030: Drive best friend home

2110: Takes photos of friends playing badminton

2200: Leave for Bendigo

0000: Arrives Bendigo

Favorite picture of the day.
It's not just about badminton. It's the community.

We often race against time, as though we have a competition against it.

We schedule in things in our lives to maximize our time, which is fair, because our time is limited. Time is money, yes? But today, I had the opportunity to schedule nothing, and to just go with the flow. Even with 4 hours of pure driving, I was doing my usual praise sessions in the car (read: screaming melodies and lyrics with some air drumming I'm pretty sure), so that was time well-spent in my opinion.

But the point is this: this is the beauty of scheduling nothing.

Because I have let inspiration hit me from different places.

Sometimes, we need to take a break from schedules, and just go with the flow. I may have scheduled out my next 3 weeks practically until my annual leave, but I'll remember to save some time for nothingness next time, because I have found that today is an amazing day.

For now, let's rest this physically exhausted body. 

of planning and being overwhelmed

I have been having the privilege to serve alongside many wonderful people in a church called CrossCulture in Melbourne, as well as lead a small part of the ministry here. And last weekend was filled with many many talks and plannings, not just with the leadership team, but also with various parts of the church - honestly, it's quite overwhelming.

Recently, there are a few issues with burnout. And I know that we are not immune to it. I know what it feels like to be burnt-out and it was not a pleasant feeling. Close to hopelessness, helplessness, fatigue, even indifference. You start to not care for anyone or anything, because you feel that no one cares for you anyway.

I thank God however that there are so many people who supported me through my tough time. I know that such community is quintessential and I'm now having the great privilege in helping others through their tough times. I feel honored, but also overwhelmed - not because of the workload mind you, but because I'm in awe of how God would want to use a wretched like me to help others. It's beyond comprehension.

And every day now, I want to be in awe of this undeserved grace.
I want this grace to be my fuel, in everything that I do, for how ever long my life will last.

"May I never lose the wonder / the wonder of Your mercy," Matt Redman sings. And I hope I could still sing such words by the end of this year of ministry.

And what is the purpose of this ministry anyway?

It's all about the people. It's always been about the people.

The church is not the building. It's made up of people.

Flawed, burnt out, unstable, wavering, but we know that we have a Head who is Christ the Faithful.

Steamboat with awesome people.

...Yes, we like to eat, so here's another photo of our mealtime..

Our small Sunday Service... Waiting for the AV to be set up  =P

"Should nothing of our effort stands

No legacy survive.

Unless the Lord does raise the house

In vain, its builders strive."

-- "All glory be to Christ", King's Kaleidoscope

of a safe haven

The most difficult part of having rotating jobs is finding out how a certain unit works. I realized today that I have been doing something majorly wrong, and no wonder I have lost my brownie points with the consultants. But the point is, at least I'm learning. If I make mistakes, I apologize and move on. A saying goes that "A mistake is not really a mistake if one learns a lesson out of it." So, I imagine that there will be lots of "learning points" in the coming weeks.

In the mess today, I did take a detour to my safe haven.

I would like to think that everyone has a haven. I remember television series depicting doctor's hideout to be one of the janitor's closets, or the hideout underneath a flight of stairs. But I found a different kind of haven. Strangely enough, there is peace and quiet in that room, and my favorite people are also there. And today, just five minutes within the sanctuary is gold.

This haven is the Special Care Nursery. And my favorite people in the hospital are the babies.

I realized today how much I love Pediatrics. I love working with the innocence of children. And how they are brutally honest - and because of their innocence, how the adults have to believe in what they say. But among all the age group, I actually have grown fond of the babies the most. I remembered how I was so afraid of handling them during my first day in Pediatrics, as though they will break when I move a limb. How things have changed.

And I do hope that this will happen to my maternity term too - that I would like this rotation. Or at least part of it. Okay, maybe not "like". For now, I should aim to not hate at least part of it. (I shall not ask for much.) I was advised that I just have to cope with 8 weeks of this mess. Week 1 almost ending, and I thank God for it.

At least my safe haven is just next door. Hello babies! :)

of births, chaos and deaths

With the new doctors out of medical school, and new Registrars getting into their roles, the year has started with news that there were a series of deaths among doctors. This is horrid news. Count four currently, and we all hope it will stop there.

I remembered dipping my feet into the Psychiatry role a few months back. I did like my job overall, but I found that listening to people's stories of injustice could be overwhelming. I did break down once, and I was advised to seek help, to talk with others, to debrief. The challenge is that we become vulnerable when we do so. I did seek help though, and it really helped.

One common topic in many of my rotations is on empathy. How much empathy is healthy?
"Don't take the job personally," I was advised. And still, I struggle with leaving my work in the hospital. After a bad day, I take the burdens on my shoulders as I leave the hospital doors, pondering on them carefully on how the day could have gone better until I finally rests my head on the pillow in the early hours of the morning. And I'm aware: it's a bad bad habit.

Today, I stepped into another new role as well. Or rather, I stepped into a whole new world of women's health. From the start, I have to be frank - I don't like my new role. I have established that I have an obsessive-compulsive trait, and I don't work well with chaos. So, I don't like the chaotic system, the chaotic ward, the chaotic handover, the chaotic timetable. I work well with order, and I don't have a very good impression of my first day in the unit.

I have made up my mind though: I'll push through this rotation (no pun intended). I know I'll get some good experience here at the very least. And I'm guessing, it can only get better from now on.

Fingers crossed.

And if I take any consolation, I'm looking forward to seeing the smiles of mothers as they receive their babies for the first time. These shall be the jewels of my daily existence on the ward.

of the wonders of the mind

The mind is wonderful, yet often forgetful.

I have always loved to write - and to share. Yet I find it also amusing to reflect on my own thoughts from the past. The mind often changes, and when it does, the thoughts of the past are forgotten, and new thoughts are created.

And so, the mind is also temporary - as is digital data and blogs. Yet written codes are a better legacy than an unwritten thought.

This place is my mind in its unfolding - a mind that is wrestling with the world, its cultures and principles. If that's boring, I will also splash some of my memories here before dementia hits me.

So, here's to the start to its unfolding. Cheers!