of my goodness

I met a lady in outpatients clinic this past week. She was there to have her regular check up. Before she came into the room, flipping her folder, I noted that she has missed several appointments, did not go for her diagnostic tests that we have arranged, and have not been taking her regular medications. "This does not seem like a good start to the day," I thought.

I called her from the waiting room. Stood an old lady from the chair, well-dressed, smiling, and I cannot help but notice her necklace with a big golden cross. She greeted me, and sat down in the room. And after introducing myself, I asked how she was, and she replied that she was going well. And because of how tight time is in these clinics, the interview quickly turns into an interrogation.

"Why was it that you have missed a few appointments?" I asked, maybe with the slightest of concerns.
"I had some urgent things to settle," she replied.

"Why have you not gone for the diagnostics studies?" I asked next.
"I did not receive any appointments," she replied.
Cue: rolling eyes... (...but I did not, you'll be pleased to know. I knew better.)

"Why have you not taken the medications?" I persisted.
"I did not like using the medications."
"Do you know why you have to take these medications?" I inquired.
"The previous doctor explained it to me," she replied. "But I forgot."
I took the time to explain why she requires this medication.

"I'm sorry, Doctor." She interrupted my explanation, with slight distress in her face, "I'm not very focused today. My husband has just passed away recently."

I was struck... Here I was interrogating an old lady, when she clearly has issues of her own that I was indifferent to. Because of time limits, I usually had to rush through my questions and my agenda. And clearly, she has a different agenda.

We began talking about her husband's death first, and she began to share with me how she has been going strong with the help from her church. I had to take a different route, take more time with the consultation to lend a listening ear, before I could tell her what I needed to say. But at the end of the appointment, she was appreciative, thanking me, and even telling the receptionist how good I was to her.

Now, this incident got me thinking.

Just as how the lady has fallen short of the standards of our care, we as humans have also fallen short of the glory of God. We are imperfect people, paying a visit to the Healer who is trying His best to heal us, and yet, we still fall short of His directions. But by His grace, we get invited over and over again to seek Him and His help.

I began thinking of how - really - undeserving I am of His grace and mercy over me.
I was lost, yet He found me.
I was blind, yet He gave me sight.
I was useless, yet He gave me gifts.
I was a rebel, yet He took my hand and lead me.
I was a sinner, yet He died for me.
I was bad, yet He gave me His goodness.

His goodness.

It seems that many times, we try to be good. We try our best by our own strength to meet the standards of God, when really, we cannot. We cannot try to change ourselves, because we are inherently sinners, self-centered, self-glorifying, self-caring. We have our own agendas because this is our own lives, our own time.

But maybe, we need to learn about "goodness" from One who alone is good. Maybe, we need to continue to know and understand - and be overwhelmed - by the goodness of God. Maybe we need to pursue in this knowledge and not be comfortable where we are. Because maybe, there are more that we are to know about Him.

Then, and only then, maybe we can tirelessly and relentlessly be good to others around us - when we understand that we are here not because we deserve it, but solely because of the goodness of God.

"For I was sick, and you visited Me."

It's not by my works

But by Your Work in me.

And by Your grace oh God I stand

With my head held high

I receive Your love for me

I know I am accepted

- "I Receive" by Hillsong London / Israel Houghton