of my goodness

I met a lady in outpatients clinic this past week. She was there to have her regular check up. Before she came into the room, flipping her folder, I noted that she has missed several appointments, did not go for her diagnostic tests that we have arranged, and have not been taking her regular medications. "This does not seem like a good start to the day," I thought.

I called her from the waiting room. Stood an old lady from the chair, well-dressed, smiling, and I cannot help but notice her necklace with a big golden cross. She greeted me, and sat down in the room. And after introducing myself, I asked how she was, and she replied that she was going well. And because of how tight time is in these clinics, the interview quickly turns into an interrogation.

"Why was it that you have missed a few appointments?" I asked, maybe with the slightest of concerns.
"I had some urgent things to settle," she replied.

"Why have you not gone for the diagnostics studies?" I asked next.
"I did not receive any appointments," she replied.
Cue: rolling eyes... (...but I did not, you'll be pleased to know. I knew better.)

"Why have you not taken the medications?" I persisted.
"I did not like using the medications."
"Do you know why you have to take these medications?" I inquired.
"The previous doctor explained it to me," she replied. "But I forgot."
I took the time to explain why she requires this medication.

"I'm sorry, Doctor." She interrupted my explanation, with slight distress in her face, "I'm not very focused today. My husband has just passed away recently."

I was struck... Here I was interrogating an old lady, when she clearly has issues of her own that I was indifferent to. Because of time limits, I usually had to rush through my questions and my agenda. And clearly, she has a different agenda.

We began talking about her husband's death first, and she began to share with me how she has been going strong with the help from her church. I had to take a different route, take more time with the consultation to lend a listening ear, before I could tell her what I needed to say. But at the end of the appointment, she was appreciative, thanking me, and even telling the receptionist how good I was to her.

Now, this incident got me thinking.

Just as how the lady has fallen short of the standards of our care, we as humans have also fallen short of the glory of God. We are imperfect people, paying a visit to the Healer who is trying His best to heal us, and yet, we still fall short of His directions. But by His grace, we get invited over and over again to seek Him and His help.

I began thinking of how - really - undeserving I am of His grace and mercy over me.
I was lost, yet He found me.
I was blind, yet He gave me sight.
I was useless, yet He gave me gifts.
I was a rebel, yet He took my hand and lead me.
I was a sinner, yet He died for me.
I was bad, yet He gave me His goodness.

His goodness.

It seems that many times, we try to be good. We try our best by our own strength to meet the standards of God, when really, we cannot. We cannot try to change ourselves, because we are inherently sinners, self-centered, self-glorifying, self-caring. We have our own agendas because this is our own lives, our own time.

But maybe, we need to learn about "goodness" from One who alone is good. Maybe, we need to continue to know and understand - and be overwhelmed - by the goodness of God. Maybe we need to pursue in this knowledge and not be comfortable where we are. Because maybe, there are more that we are to know about Him.

Then, and only then, maybe we can tirelessly and relentlessly be good to others around us - when we understand that we are here not because we deserve it, but solely because of the goodness of God.

"For I was sick, and you visited Me."

It's not by my works

But by Your Work in me.

And by Your grace oh God I stand

With my head held high

I receive Your love for me

I know I am accepted

- "I Receive" by Hillsong London / Israel Houghton

of a box

Yet another great weekend over. There are many things I could have talked about, but one thing stands out the most, because I learnt that God is really greater than my doubts.

It has been a while since an idea has been floating in my mind to start a service differently. I have been serving as a music leader (or "worship leader" as most churches call us) for a couple of years in CrossCulture. The opening of our services (as with many other churches) is usually lined with three or four songs of praise. Well, today, I wanted to break that monotonous pattern of how we do things.

Ecclesiastes says, "Guard your steps when you go to the house of God. To draw near to listen is better than to offer the sacrifice of fools, for they do not know that they are doing evil. Be not rash with your mouth, nor let your heart be hasty to utter a word before God, for God is in heaven and you are on earth. Therefore let your words be few."

When we come to sing our songs to God, do we really mean what we sing? Do we really mean the lyrics, "I give You my heart / I give You my soul / I live for You alone" or "I have decided to follow Jesus / No turning back / No turning back," or "I could sing of Your love forever"? These are beautiful words, but if we sing without thoughts or sincerity, they are just empty words bouncing off the walls and ceiling of the auditorium.

With this in mind, I began planning the service. I planned that the service should start with Scripture - there is no better way than that, I reckon. And it was followed by a song of reflection / prayer, followed by a song of response.

Then, doubts.

"Is this too radical a change?"
"What will the church think about this plan?"
"Will the church respond to this type of opening?"

But I thank God for my band members who are ready to support this vision. Although it is our first time doing such an opening, they were on board. The singers read Scripture on stage for the first time. The musicians are stretched to accommodate spontaneity. Truly, I am not gifted in music - I can sing only by the grace of God (that's another story I might tell another day), but I thank God for the talents within my band. I truly love these people.

And after the service today, I have received various encouragements from many different types of people, really. From the young to the old, from the new visitors to the current members, I was amazed at how well people respond to this plan.

So, really, God is greater than my doubts.

As much as we are comfortable with tradition and routine, I am a big believer in becoming the driver for cultural change, whether within the church community or outside it. God is not too small that He needs a box to stay in. Instead, our minds need to be stimulated, to think outside of this box that perhaps contain only a small part of God, and we need to hunger and thirst to know and pursue more of Him. Because the danger is that we become stale when we become satisfied and comfortable with our little box.

Needless to say, I want to pursue greater creativity this year, to speak the Gospel in various other methods. I want to become adventurous with art and music, and work, and life. I want to be the culture-changer - by His wisdom, by His grace.

And I know that the church is built by Christ. And I believe that He shall continue to do a great work in our midst.

Love love love the church... ;)

of waiting

Good things in life comes to those who wait, they say.
Like waiting in the long queue for the toilet. Must have felt good to finally wee...

But on the serious note, there is power in the patience of a person.

"But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles;
They shall run and not be weary;
They shall walk and not faint."
Said Isaiah.

In a consumer culture, it is easy to grow inpatient. We get goods bought online delivered fast to our doorsteps. Fast food becomes a popular lunch option. Speeding is increasingly becoming an issue. We want to get from Point A to Point B quickly. We want to have things quickly. We want. Period.

When the webpage does not load quickly, we tap our fingers on the table, wiggle in our chair, and pace up and down the corridor (if the connection is that slow). When the lift is not coming, we press the button a hundred more times, as though the lift will arrive any faster. And when we are running late, we zigzag our way down the freeway, just to arrive one or two minutes earlier.

The point? Our impatience shows in our behaviour. We become dangerous creatures who shows our egoistical personality. We lose sight of what is really important because our focus is now off centre, on that one thing that is actually fading away. Our priority is ourselves - nothing else really matters.

"But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength," said Isaiah.

Waiting builds your character. Waiting shows your character.
So, let's build this character and show 'em to whom I really belong.

of time and time again

My plan for my day off:

0000: Administrative tasks for ministry

0200: Sleep

0800: Wake up

0900: Do stuff

0000: Sleep

But this was how it turned out:

0000: Administrative tasks for ministry

0200: Sleep

0800: Wakes up

0900: Repairs light bulbs

1000: More administrative tasks for ministry

1200: Drive back Melbourne

1400: Meeting to discuss friend's concert

1500: Look at books

1600: Cut hair

1700: Take tripod from Melbourne home

1730: Drone sighting and discussion (and it's awesome!)

1830: Nap

1900: Asian grocery shopping 

1945: Costco for dinner and shopping with best friend

2030: Drive best friend home

2110: Takes photos of friends playing badminton

2200: Leave for Bendigo

0000: Arrives Bendigo

Favorite picture of the day.
It's not just about badminton. It's the community.

We often race against time, as though we have a competition against it.

We schedule in things in our lives to maximize our time, which is fair, because our time is limited. Time is money, yes? But today, I had the opportunity to schedule nothing, and to just go with the flow. Even with 4 hours of pure driving, I was doing my usual praise sessions in the car (read: screaming melodies and lyrics with some air drumming I'm pretty sure), so that was time well-spent in my opinion.

But the point is this: this is the beauty of scheduling nothing.

Because I have let inspiration hit me from different places.

Sometimes, we need to take a break from schedules, and just go with the flow. I may have scheduled out my next 3 weeks practically until my annual leave, but I'll remember to save some time for nothingness next time, because I have found that today is an amazing day.

For now, let's rest this physically exhausted body. 

of planning and being overwhelmed

I have been having the privilege to serve alongside many wonderful people in a church called CrossCulture in Melbourne, as well as lead a small part of the ministry here. And last weekend was filled with many many talks and plannings, not just with the leadership team, but also with various parts of the church - honestly, it's quite overwhelming.

Recently, there are a few issues with burnout. And I know that we are not immune to it. I know what it feels like to be burnt-out and it was not a pleasant feeling. Close to hopelessness, helplessness, fatigue, even indifference. You start to not care for anyone or anything, because you feel that no one cares for you anyway.

I thank God however that there are so many people who supported me through my tough time. I know that such community is quintessential and I'm now having the great privilege in helping others through their tough times. I feel honored, but also overwhelmed - not because of the workload mind you, but because I'm in awe of how God would want to use a wretched like me to help others. It's beyond comprehension.

And every day now, I want to be in awe of this undeserved grace.
I want this grace to be my fuel, in everything that I do, for how ever long my life will last.

"May I never lose the wonder / the wonder of Your mercy," Matt Redman sings. And I hope I could still sing such words by the end of this year of ministry.

And what is the purpose of this ministry anyway?

It's all about the people. It's always been about the people.

The church is not the building. It's made up of people.

Flawed, burnt out, unstable, wavering, but we know that we have a Head who is Christ the Faithful.

Steamboat with awesome people.

...Yes, we like to eat, so here's another photo of our mealtime..

Our small Sunday Service... Waiting for the AV to be set up  =P

"Should nothing of our effort stands

No legacy survive.

Unless the Lord does raise the house

In vain, its builders strive."

-- "All glory be to Christ", King's Kaleidoscope

of a safe haven

The most difficult part of having rotating jobs is finding out how a certain unit works. I realized today that I have been doing something majorly wrong, and no wonder I have lost my brownie points with the consultants. But the point is, at least I'm learning. If I make mistakes, I apologize and move on. A saying goes that "A mistake is not really a mistake if one learns a lesson out of it." So, I imagine that there will be lots of "learning points" in the coming weeks.

In the mess today, I did take a detour to my safe haven.

I would like to think that everyone has a haven. I remember television series depicting doctor's hideout to be one of the janitor's closets, or the hideout underneath a flight of stairs. But I found a different kind of haven. Strangely enough, there is peace and quiet in that room, and my favorite people are also there. And today, just five minutes within the sanctuary is gold.

This haven is the Special Care Nursery. And my favorite people in the hospital are the babies.

I realized today how much I love Pediatrics. I love working with the innocence of children. And how they are brutally honest - and because of their innocence, how the adults have to believe in what they say. But among all the age group, I actually have grown fond of the babies the most. I remembered how I was so afraid of handling them during my first day in Pediatrics, as though they will break when I move a limb. How things have changed.

And I do hope that this will happen to my maternity term too - that I would like this rotation. Or at least part of it. Okay, maybe not "like". For now, I should aim to not hate at least part of it. (I shall not ask for much.) I was advised that I just have to cope with 8 weeks of this mess. Week 1 almost ending, and I thank God for it.

At least my safe haven is just next door. Hello babies! :)

of births, chaos and deaths

With the new doctors out of medical school, and new Registrars getting into their roles, the year has started with news that there were a series of deaths among doctors. This is horrid news. Count four currently, and we all hope it will stop there.

I remembered dipping my feet into the Psychiatry role a few months back. I did like my job overall, but I found that listening to people's stories of injustice could be overwhelming. I did break down once, and I was advised to seek help, to talk with others, to debrief. The challenge is that we become vulnerable when we do so. I did seek help though, and it really helped.

One common topic in many of my rotations is on empathy. How much empathy is healthy?
"Don't take the job personally," I was advised. And still, I struggle with leaving my work in the hospital. After a bad day, I take the burdens on my shoulders as I leave the hospital doors, pondering on them carefully on how the day could have gone better until I finally rests my head on the pillow in the early hours of the morning. And I'm aware: it's a bad bad habit.

Today, I stepped into another new role as well. Or rather, I stepped into a whole new world of women's health. From the start, I have to be frank - I don't like my new role. I have established that I have an obsessive-compulsive trait, and I don't work well with chaos. So, I don't like the chaotic system, the chaotic ward, the chaotic handover, the chaotic timetable. I work well with order, and I don't have a very good impression of my first day in the unit.

I have made up my mind though: I'll push through this rotation (no pun intended). I know I'll get some good experience here at the very least. And I'm guessing, it can only get better from now on.

Fingers crossed.

And if I take any consolation, I'm looking forward to seeing the smiles of mothers as they receive their babies for the first time. These shall be the jewels of my daily existence on the ward.

of the wonders of the mind

The mind is wonderful, yet often forgetful.

I have always loved to write - and to share. Yet I find it also amusing to reflect on my own thoughts from the past. The mind often changes, and when it does, the thoughts of the past are forgotten, and new thoughts are created.

And so, the mind is also temporary - as is digital data and blogs. Yet written codes are a better legacy than an unwritten thought.

This place is my mind in its unfolding - a mind that is wrestling with the world, its cultures and principles. If that's boring, I will also splash some of my memories here before dementia hits me.

So, here's to the start to its unfolding. Cheers!