of planning and being overwhelmed

I have been having the privilege to serve alongside many wonderful people in a church called CrossCulture in Melbourne, as well as lead a small part of the ministry here. And last weekend was filled with many many talks and plannings, not just with the leadership team, but also with various parts of the church - honestly, it's quite overwhelming.

Recently, there are a few issues with burnout. And I know that we are not immune to it. I know what it feels like to be burnt-out and it was not a pleasant feeling. Close to hopelessness, helplessness, fatigue, even indifference. You start to not care for anyone or anything, because you feel that no one cares for you anyway.

I thank God however that there are so many people who supported me through my tough time. I know that such community is quintessential and I'm now having the great privilege in helping others through their tough times. I feel honored, but also overwhelmed - not because of the workload mind you, but because I'm in awe of how God would want to use a wretched like me to help others. It's beyond comprehension.

And every day now, I want to be in awe of this undeserved grace.
I want this grace to be my fuel, in everything that I do, for how ever long my life will last.

"May I never lose the wonder / the wonder of Your mercy," Matt Redman sings. And I hope I could still sing such words by the end of this year of ministry.

And what is the purpose of this ministry anyway?

It's all about the people. It's always been about the people.

The church is not the building. It's made up of people.

Flawed, burnt out, unstable, wavering, but we know that we have a Head who is Christ the Faithful.

Steamboat with awesome people.

...Yes, we like to eat, so here's another photo of our mealtime..

Our small Sunday Service... Waiting for the AV to be set up  =P

"Should nothing of our effort stands

No legacy survive.

Unless the Lord does raise the house

In vain, its builders strive."

-- "All glory be to Christ", King's Kaleidoscope

of a safe haven

The most difficult part of having rotating jobs is finding out how a certain unit works. I realized today that I have been doing something majorly wrong, and no wonder I have lost my brownie points with the consultants. But the point is, at least I'm learning. If I make mistakes, I apologize and move on. A saying goes that "A mistake is not really a mistake if one learns a lesson out of it." So, I imagine that there will be lots of "learning points" in the coming weeks.

In the mess today, I did take a detour to my safe haven.

I would like to think that everyone has a haven. I remember television series depicting doctor's hideout to be one of the janitor's closets, or the hideout underneath a flight of stairs. But I found a different kind of haven. Strangely enough, there is peace and quiet in that room, and my favorite people are also there. And today, just five minutes within the sanctuary is gold.

This haven is the Special Care Nursery. And my favorite people in the hospital are the babies.

I realized today how much I love Pediatrics. I love working with the innocence of children. And how they are brutally honest - and because of their innocence, how the adults have to believe in what they say. But among all the age group, I actually have grown fond of the babies the most. I remembered how I was so afraid of handling them during my first day in Pediatrics, as though they will break when I move a limb. How things have changed.

And I do hope that this will happen to my maternity term too - that I would like this rotation. Or at least part of it. Okay, maybe not "like". For now, I should aim to not hate at least part of it. (I shall not ask for much.) I was advised that I just have to cope with 8 weeks of this mess. Week 1 almost ending, and I thank God for it.

At least my safe haven is just next door. Hello babies! :)

of births, chaos and deaths

With the new doctors out of medical school, and new Registrars getting into their roles, the year has started with news that there were a series of deaths among doctors. This is horrid news. Count four currently, and we all hope it will stop there.

I remembered dipping my feet into the Psychiatry role a few months back. I did like my job overall, but I found that listening to people's stories of injustice could be overwhelming. I did break down once, and I was advised to seek help, to talk with others, to debrief. The challenge is that we become vulnerable when we do so. I did seek help though, and it really helped.

One common topic in many of my rotations is on empathy. How much empathy is healthy?
"Don't take the job personally," I was advised. And still, I struggle with leaving my work in the hospital. After a bad day, I take the burdens on my shoulders as I leave the hospital doors, pondering on them carefully on how the day could have gone better until I finally rests my head on the pillow in the early hours of the morning. And I'm aware: it's a bad bad habit.

Today, I stepped into another new role as well. Or rather, I stepped into a whole new world of women's health. From the start, I have to be frank - I don't like my new role. I have established that I have an obsessive-compulsive trait, and I don't work well with chaos. So, I don't like the chaotic system, the chaotic ward, the chaotic handover, the chaotic timetable. I work well with order, and I don't have a very good impression of my first day in the unit.

I have made up my mind though: I'll push through this rotation (no pun intended). I know I'll get some good experience here at the very least. And I'm guessing, it can only get better from now on.

Fingers crossed.

And if I take any consolation, I'm looking forward to seeing the smiles of mothers as they receive their babies for the first time. These shall be the jewels of my daily existence on the ward.

of the wonders of the mind

The mind is wonderful, yet often forgetful.

I have always loved to write - and to share. Yet I find it also amusing to reflect on my own thoughts from the past. The mind often changes, and when it does, the thoughts of the past are forgotten, and new thoughts are created.

And so, the mind is also temporary - as is digital data and blogs. Yet written codes are a better legacy than an unwritten thought.

This place is my mind in its unfolding - a mind that is wrestling with the world, its cultures and principles. If that's boring, I will also splash some of my memories here before dementia hits me.

So, here's to the start to its unfolding. Cheers!